Loving Me (Scenario Number Six - A)

Because I am in pain (toothache, not heartache) and I consume a thousand mg. of pain relievers every eight hours, and because I am alert and hyper one minute and drowsy and sleepy the next, I give you this.



The phone rang, you picked it up and heard his voice, you didn't say a word.

You don't have to say anything, he doesn't need to speak, because you already knew what the call was all about, you've been through this a hundred of times, you can even give a seminar or a short course on how to handle stuff like this.

But, you are not a hypocrite... it still stings, it still hurts and even your broken heart can still break. You wonder, to how many pieces a heart can break into.

You listen at his melancholic voice, you listen as he trudge on the familiar river and stagger in the waves, you listen as he told you that he can't make it today, just like the long forgotten todays of the past. You try hard to listen as he spewed more words of apologies for weaseling out of your date, for the nth time, you stop keeping tabs eons ago. You tried hard, but you just have to try harder to listen, as he strewn promises of making up and doing something better, when he is able to, when he is free, when he finally finds the time to spend with you.

You used to boast of your ability to listen and your endowment to understand, but this winding and unending pattern of canceled dates, mute regrets and apologies, and unfulfilled promises is beginning to take its toll. Your age-old composure is beginning to show some cracks, the veil of your patience is thinning by the minute and the fine line between love and hate is on the verge of extinction.

You feel pathetic, but, as you are you, you continue to listen. You're loosing grip, but, as you are you, you're holding on as if it is life itself. You feel like drowning, but, as you are you, you're fighting to be afloat.

You feel like giving up, but... you continue to listen...

'I am stronger than this, I am HwangBo Hye Jung!' you said to yourself, trying to seize the ongoing battle in your mind, in your heart, in your soul.

"I understand, later then," you acquiesced, you have finally found your voice.

He said the three-word-phrase that used to brighten your day as an end to his phone monologue, and deplorable as it may sound, you fervently hope that it still has the same effect.

But, even your brightness seems to suffer depletion and at the moment, only one of its ray has the remaining light.

You put the phone back to its cradle and let out a sigh.


You stay in the same position for a few minutes more, you look like a soldier who just loose a battle and you feel just like one. The only physical effort that you had done in the few minutes that you're on the phone with him was lifting up the receiver and holding it to your ear but the inner turmoil was just too much, it drained you... it actually devoured your being.

You swing your legs up and lean on the couch, you're using all the energy that you have left to regain what you just lose a few minutes ago. You close your eyes and scour your mind, in an effort to find that exactly; and then it dawned on you, in the two years that you've been together, you have lost yourself, your own identity, and it will take more than a few hours or a few days to get it back but you have to act now before you completely forgets who you are.

You have to salvage what was left of you... and repossess yourself entirely.

You scan your flat, looking for nothing in particular; you're a little bewilder because of what you had discovered and a little overwhelm on what you had just decided.

And there's this lingering question - when?

Is it when you concede to the kid and you let your emotions rule you when you agree to this relationship?

Is it when he first stood you up because of a sudden event? Or is it the second? The third?

Is it when you first forgave him for not doing what he promise you? Or is it the fifth? Or the last one?

Is it when you listen to all his caprices and whims - giving up events, not taking on new shows, putting your career in the shelf to focus on him, wearing what he wants, doing what he approves of?

Is it when you decided to be a homebody and wait for his presence or his call and messages?

Is it when you give him your all?

And now... you have none.


Eighteen hours ago, you turned thirty, an hour ago, you realized that you haven't been you for more than a year now, a few minutes ago, you found out that you didn't just loose yourself but you completely let yourself go.

Today is your birthday but instead of celebrating, you were faced with a rude awakening.

Today is your birthday and you are thirty years old.



From the author: It's the blogger not the blog who broke your heart last night. It's the blogger not the dream who deserted you. Sing with me :) (ang di kumanta - kj!)